Crack Fic
by savinesnape
Summary: Just a little dabble with a crack fic idea, prompted by Snape100 Mary Sue/Stu challenge. Not Mine and no money is made.


Title: A Little Bit of Crack

Word Count: 707

Rating: PG-13 for some language.

A/N: I have been pondering this little bit of crack!fic ever since the Mary Sue challenge posted as Snape100. Having thrown a few ideas about with the lovely Scoffy, I have finally sat down and churned this out.

I know a few of my f-list could do with a giggle, I hope this provides at least a few guffaws. Oh and before I forget, not mine, alas it all belongs to JK Rowling and others too numerous to mention. No money is made nor is it required.

Not beta read, so all eros belong to the dunderhed wot rote this.

Hugs and Smooches to one and all.

Sav

Severus Snape woke slowly from his slumber. Groggily he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palm to remove the sleep from them. Gradually he opened his eyes. He was greeted by a blinding white light.

So, this is it, he thought. The Muggles were right, after death all you get is a bright light. Well, I best wait here and see where I end up. More than likely I'll end up in hell; at least it should be a heck of a lot warmer than the dungeons I have inhabited for the last twenty years.

Eager to take in his surrounding, Severus tried to sit himself up.

"Steady on, Sevvie Poppy was adamant that you shouldn't move too much. You neck wound isn't yet completely healed."

"What the... who the hell are you!" Severus rasped.

"Oh, now come on, Sevvie," the girl replied as she rearranged his blankets. "No need to be coy, you know very well who I am. I'm Mary Sue, cousin Archie's niece two times removed."

Severus racked his brains; the last thing he could remember was Voldi... The Dark Lord's familiar happily French kissing his neck. He remembered the sensation of the thrice-damned snakes fangs slicing through his flesh like a hot knife through butter... then his vision was filled by her eyes...

"Lily," he whimpered. "I'm so sorry Lily, I tired."

"Shush, Sevvie. Everything is fine Tom is dead, Harry survived. You and I can live happily ever after and make loads of dark haired, blue eyed babies."

Silently, in his mind, Severus screamed. Fuck, the fates had decided that he deserved to live out eternity in some twisted form of hell.

The peace of his 'room' was shattered by the sounding of running footsteps drawing closer to his room. With a loud bang the Potter brat stumbled into the room.

"Professor... Severus, you're awake! Thank Merlin!"

Severus stared as Mary whateverherblastednamewas glared at the dark haired Saviour of the world.

"What do you want, Potter," she spat.

"I'm here to tend to Severus, what are you doing..."

"You bastard, I called first dibs on him. I've been here for the last fortnight, mopping his brow, tending his wounds, washing him..."

"Bitch, how dare you..."

With that, Severus watched as the Potter brat and Mary whoevershedamnwellwas set about each other fist flying, hair flying, voices screeching, where was Poppy when she was needed.

"Well, really is this anyway to behave in front of an invalid. I must insist on peace in this room."

"Shut the fuck up, Hermione. This bitch is trying to steal Severus from me."

"From you! Severus is MINE!" Hermione hollered as she piled into the mêlée at the foot of Severus bed.

Severus inched his way up the bed, trying desperately to distance himself from the surreal mêlée at the foot of his bed. Sure that this reality couldn't get any more deranged Severus was astounded when Albus, Minerva and Remus walked into the room.

"Children, Children, Children." Albus held his hands aloft. "I think you'll find that Severus arse belongs to me."

With those words Harry, Mary whateverherflamingnamewas and Hermione stopped fighting and turned to look at the Headmaster with horror-struck faces.

"But you and Professor McGonagall... you..."

"Ah, Minnie and I have what is termed a Lavender marriage. For show only, for I am gay, Harry my boy."

Severus tried desperately to scream, he was ready to repent all his sins if only he could get away from all these weirdoes.

Just then, as if in answer to his prayers, a group of women walked into the room all dressed in black frock coats.

"I think you'll find that the Professor belongs to us. We are the Sisterhood of Snape, and we own his arse."

The amassed crowd turned to face the woman who had spoken. She seemed to be the leader of the Sisterhood. She had a striking resemblance to the bed-ridden professor.

"Who are you?" Hermione asked.

"I am Mary Fangirl, and that stud belongs to us, his fans. We determine what happens in his after-life. We write his story, we cos play him... we own Severus Snape."

"Oh fuck," Severus muttered before blacking out once more.


End file.
